Trying to take a mental health day. I’m in need of time away from my parents but unfortunately I can’t get that and when I try and put some space up by refusing to do things or go places, I’m given hell for it.

I’m horrifically depressed, alone and trapped. Mum keeps complaining that dad doesn’t respect or show affection to her, well she definitely doesn’t to me. Ironic.

I still miss the ex and idk why. I’m hoping its because I haven’t met anybody new since and not because I lost the best person I’ll ever meet. Deep down I know it is because I haven’t met anybody new because my ex was a total arsehole in many ways and that I’ve struggled because the breakup was a shock from day one and he left me with more questions than I got answers.

I cry every day. And mum openly says that crying means nothing to her, it’s just pathetic, and my generation should stop using crying as a marker of unacceptability.

Quote from right now: me - “I’m horrifically depressed”, mum “I don’t care, you’ll get over it”.

Dad is exhibiting signs of depression and she’s concerned about him but me? I’ll get over it.

I’m crying every fucking day and I hate living and nothing makes me happy.

I have lost my power, my autonomy, my sense of self. I keep being told that I’m an awful person. I have to be an extension rather than a whole. I have to share my parents and my house with my cousin and its imposing and it’s not right and I’m furious. I still dream about him every single night and I still don’t understand how someone can go from loving you to not at all in under a day. My heart is broken and there’s no way of repair. I want to move out and live on my own so I can regain myself and so I can have the pet I’ve always wanted and been repeatedly denied and because if they’re right and I’m so unlovable, I need to get used to it sooner than later.

I don’t know why but I LOVE watching ballet videos on youtube.


Even discussing the most mundane things, it seems to be so elegant. And the warm up class I’m watching now seems to be serene even though I imagine it to be such hard work.

And I saw a clip of a girl practicing a role in The Nutcracker and oh my god…


And then they go and ruin it because there’s this guy who is wearing leggings so tight that, frankly, they look more obscene than if he was just naked!

I don’t know why but I LOVE watching ballet videos on youtube.

Even discussing the most mundane things, it seems to be so elegant. And the warm up class I’m watching now seems to be serene even though I imagine it to be such hard work.

And I saw a clip of a girl practicing a role in The Nutcracker and oh my god…


Dear Scotland,

Today is a pretty big day for all of us as Scotland goes to the polls. I don’t have a vote, but I wish I did, and I’d vote “No” and stay within the UNITED Kingdom. A “yes” vote will tear apart national identity and re-define what it means to be British. You are asking people “are you Scottish or British?” and the honest answer for many would be “both” with varying degrees but in phrasing it as an “in or out” reduces this identity to a binary and 2 tick boxes on a piece of paper.

There are pros and cons to both sides but I am scared that people will vote with their heart rather than their heads. Independence is a romanticised notion, one of going it alone, cutting your own path and one that is admirable - when it works. Scotland has a lot to lose by saying goodbye to its parent, the UK, and it’s brothers and sisters, England, Wales and Northern Ireland.

You stand to see a hike in tuition fees. A hike in taxes. An unstable NHS. An unstable social security scheme. A dramatic loss in research funding and therefore a loss of prestige for your universities. All of these we developed together to benefit us all.

Scotland - to use the research funding analogy - you put in 8% of the UK pot but get back 13% - where are you going to get another 50% of your funding from? How are you going to build the infrastructure required to administer it? Taxes and tuition fees.

Our NHS, NATIONAL Health Service, not SHS, EHS, RIHS and WHS, manages to work on such tight budgets - and work it does, on the whole and I’d rather not live without it - because of one reason. WE have a massive spending power together.

You’ve shouted from the rooftops, we’ve heard your point and the people of the rest of the UK understand and sympathise - we are annoyed with Westminster too.

But this isn’t the way to go about change.

Whatever the outcome at close of polls tonight, the UK political system will change. You’ve started something, and when the rest of us can join in and back you up, we can do something major.

Many of you say you dislike conservative and that’s why you’re voting “Yes”. Firstly - we have a UK wide election next year, if you’re unhappy, lets have a similar turn out to this referendum. You cannot complain about that which you did not attempt to change.

A bigger, better change than independence would be to adopt the Alternative Vote system and demand proportional representation. Because, whatever you say, you don’t hate the Tories or any other party in terms of voting numbers - they’re VERY similar - more that this “first past the post” system looks like you do.

Understand this - Scotland will survive NOT becoming independent and the ~50% of Yes voters will carry on as they were BUT if it goes wrong, Scotland will suffer and only ~50% of the people wanted it. What about the other half?

It’s an unfair choice and a supercharged decision. Scotland, I wish you luck whatever happens but if you’re one of the undecided 17%? Vote to save the family.

I want to use my cooking/baking/making skills to give us a very luxuriant Christmas…

So I should really start practicing! I am thinking….

  • a buche de noel (chocolate yule log)
  • a stollen loaf
  • glace/candied fruits like apricots, and chocolate-dipped orange slices
  • a huge assortment of biscuits (cookies to any readers across the pond)…
  • …maybe even my first gingerbread house?!
  • a decorated christmas cake (with my fondant penguins?)
  • rose and lemon turkish delight
  • marzipan fruits
  • rose, violet and mint creams covered in chocolate
  • chocolate truffles - dipped, undipped, with and without champagne…. so many options!
  • various liquid centre chocolates - like salted caramels
  • clotted cream fudge
  • chocolate mendiants and florentines

Trying to think of other recipes now!

I want to make the chocolates….

I want to make the chocolates….

(via sophieowls)


 I tick all the boxes for dyspraxia. ok.

I actually have dyspraxia and this is a very very very limited set of “symptoms” - in fact, its only the sort you’d see in a classroom. There’s a lot more to it. I’m mild AND atypical for a start.

I still keep dreaming about him.

They’re all bad dreams in different ways - like we are fighting - which is so similar to the breakup, or something happened to him - which still upsets me, or we get back together and everything’s ok and I’m happy - and then I wake up and remember.

I think the hardest thing is how I still blame myself. I dare say we may have broken up eventually. But I think I pushed him away out of being insecure (which wasn’t my fault - he did some stupid things) and that caused the final snap.

I hate myself for still having feelings for that arsehole.

Because I’m home now, and not living there, I am really feeling the reality of no going back, but it’s also allowing me to remember and smile about the happy times, which in turn makes me sad. It’s fucking awful.

I don’t even want to return to uni to sort the last of my room and hand in the keys, never mind to spend a few days there and do the oral exam (if I get called in for it).

I’m overall happier now I’m home (but again the nights are hard) and my appetite is back. I don’t want to go back to all of that.

Plus I’m worried that as the contracts end shortly after, not only will it be really empty and therefore creepy, but there’s also a higher chance of him being there…

I’m still sad about the break-up and I know if I saw him, I’d cry.