I’m going to stop pretending that I’m over him - I’m not.

I don’t know whether I’d get back with him or not because once bitten, twice shy, and there’s a whole heap of issues there. Plus I’ve lost some/most/all respect for him after what he did to me and the way he’s behaved. I also couldn’t trust him like I did.

I think this confusion stems from not having seen him. It’s led me to be unsure as to whether I miss him or whether I miss being with someone and all the parts of my life that we had together. I think it is him though. I generally don’t like being around people much but yet I couldn’t get enough time with him.

Friday. I’ve been invited bar hopping with our blockmates. I never get invited by our blockmates to anything, surprise 1. Surprise 2 - the invite is from a guy who is arguably better friends with him than with me; they teach undergrads together as part of their PhD programmes and the guy who has invited me is best mates with his office mate (who is also invited, along with a couple other guys from their dept. (not-so-much-a-)Surprise 3 - he’s invited.

Part of me doesn’t want to go - fears what could happen, especially with alcohol involved (and a lot of it). Will we talk, will we ignore each other? Will he get with someone else (not likely, he’s not the hit on random girls type but you never know)? Will we fight, cry, kiss, end up having sex? Will he break my heart further or come back to me?

Part of me does want to go - to see what will happen and to see if seeing him provides me with the clarity of thought I’m lacking now.

Part of me also wants to go for less honourable reasons… I’d want to look so incredibly hot, it made him feel sick - short skirt, full makeup, cleavage-baring halterneck top (the one he couldn’t keep his hands off me with). And to flirt and dance with other guys and at least look like I’m moving on (but not leave with any or kiss any in front of him, I’m not cheap). So he could see me dance again (he was attracted to me over it).

And because, even if he’s not there - I can still affect him the same way. Social media is powerful and the algorithms evil. As soon as group photos are tagged - they’ll turn up on his news feed.

An even shallower part of me wants to click “not attending” on the event, using the complex cake I’m making for Saturday and the event it’s for as my excuse. Just because that’d make it more likely he did.

And then, last minute, turn up, looking like that and just be like “yeahhhh cake’s ready and I haven’t had a night out in ages so decided on a whim to come” as though it isn’t obvious I’ve spent about 3 hours getting ready.

At this stage, I don’t know what I’ll do.


I also wonder if he remembers my username from the odd time I showed him something on here… I tried to keep it to me but I don’t know.

If you are reading this - stop avoiding me because its pathetic and its also infuriating that I have to be mad at you at distance and on edge incase I run into you. You did this, not me, so for once - man up and do something right.


im scared I won’t meet new guys because I just haven’t really clicked with any that I know so far. I mean I have, but it’s fizzled. Or in the case of the last one - been rapidly extinguished.

And unfortunately, I’ve gone from being Miss Fiercely Independent to wanting to fall in love all over again.

Oh dear.


bored lonely and depressed to the point of suicidal. im not seeing a way out anymore.


postgraduatepurgatory:

Essential Productivity Apps for any student:
Caffeine-  Prevents your screen from going into sleep mode. Great if you’re writing notes on an article and the screen keeps dimming, whilst you hope that if you stare long enough, the phrase “homologous ways to a view of hegemony” will start to make sense.
Flux- If you find that you can’t sleep for ages after studying late at night, then this app is a total game changer. It basically turns the light on the screen red, because science people say that blue light keeps you awake and red light doesn’t. (*Full Disclosure* I’m not a scientist)
Focusbar- The annoying voice of your mother nagging you to finish your homework…in app form. You can set the annoying level (I have it set on “wildly annoying”) and a bar will appear in the corner every few seconds to remind you that you’re supposed to be doing something else besides looking at cat photos. 
Microsoft Office- self explanatory, so I’ve linked to an article about life hacks for Microsoft Office instead. Because I’m just that awesome. 
Nag- Does your 5 minute study break keep turning into an hour on Youtube? Then you need Nag in your life. It’s basically an alarm/timer. But an extremely loud and annoying alarm/timer that’s very difficult to ignore. The bells genuinely sound more judgemental the longer you ignore it.  
Self Control-  Also known as Cold Turkey for Microsoft users. If you absolutely cannot be trusted with an internet connection, then you need Self Control in your life. You add a list of websites to the “blacklist”and then set how long you want the app to work for, and for that duration of time you wont be able to access those website. Seriously, not even rebooting your computer or uninstalling the app will let you access the blacklist until your time is up. Tough love at its finest.
Zotero-  The new love of my life. Zotero allows you to manage all your citations and sources in one easy place. It’s an absolute life saver- no joke. There’s an in-word add in, so it will write your bibliography and citations for you in any format you want. There’s a chrome/firefox add in and a mobile app, so you don’t even have to type the citation into Zotero. Just press the button it does all the hard work for you. It even updates itself online, so you can still access your bibliography if your computer crashes. I <3 Zotero 5eva. 

About to embark on writing a thesis thats going to wind up around 20,000 words by the time I’m done. May need these.

postgraduatepurgatory:

Essential Productivity Apps for any student:

  1. Caffeine-  Prevents your screen from going into sleep mode. Great if you’re writing notes on an article and the screen keeps dimming, whilst you hope that if you stare long enough, the phrase “homologous ways to a view of hegemony” will start to make sense.
  2. Flux- If you find that you can’t sleep for ages after studying late at night, then this app is a total game changer. It basically turns the light on the screen red, because science people say that blue light keeps you awake and red light doesn’t. (*Full Disclosure* I’m not a scientist)
  3. Focusbar- The annoying voice of your mother nagging you to finish your homework…in app form. You can set the annoying level (I have it set on “wildly annoying”) and a bar will appear in the corner every few seconds to remind you that you’re supposed to be doing something else besides looking at cat photos. 
  4. Microsoft Office- self explanatory, so I’ve linked to an article about life hacks for Microsoft Office instead. Because I’m just that awesome. 
  5. Nag- Does your 5 minute study break keep turning into an hour on Youtube? Then you need Nag in your life. It’s basically an alarm/timer. But an extremely loud and annoying alarm/timer that’s very difficult to ignore. The bells genuinely sound more judgemental the longer you ignore it.  
  6. Self Control-  Also known as Cold Turkey for Microsoft users. If you absolutely cannot be trusted with an internet connection, then you need Self Control in your life. You add a list of websites to the “blacklist”and then set how long you want the app to work for, and for that duration of time you wont be able to access those website. Seriously, not even rebooting your computer or uninstalling the app will let you access the blacklist until your time is up. Tough love at its finest.
  7. Zotero-  The new love of my life. Zotero allows you to manage all your citations and sources in one easy place. It’s an absolute life saver- no joke. There’s an in-word add in, so it will write your bibliography and citations for you in any format you want. There’s a chrome/firefox add in and a mobile app, so you don’t even have to type the citation into Zotero. Just press the button it does all the hard work for you. It even updates itself online, so you can still access your bibliography if your computer crashes. I <3 Zotero 5eva. 

About to embark on writing a thesis thats going to wind up around 20,000 words by the time I’m done. May need these.

(via lydcnwy)


You are tall, caring, compassionate. You are a good listener as I babble a lot and not an early sleeper as I’ll talk most when I’m laid in bed with you and suffering my usual insomnia. The sex we have is incredible and we are experimental. You’re close to your parents and respect each other but are not heavily dependent on them. You don’t mind extreme sports and will give anything a go once. You like being around water - lakes, pools, the sea, rivers, streams, waterfalls. You’re analytical and form your own opinions. Your calming rationality is the counterbalance to my occasional hotheadedness. You’re ambitious. You admire me with makeup and still think I’m beautiful without - you understand I don’t wear it every day. You also have a LONG bucket list of things you’d like to do. You understand that I’m tough and a fighter but still be there as a safety net and a shoulder to cry on. You like music but don’t force your tastes on me. Atheist/agnostic. Progressive politically. Pro-GMO, pro-medical sciences. You see yourself accruing memories rather than materials. You want to live in the countryside. You see yourself married and having at least 1 child. And even when we fight, you’d never leave without saying goodbye and telling me you love me - just incase something bad happens.

You’re in love with me, not just the idea of me, and you love me back as much as I love you and it doesn’t scare you because it feels so easy.

You’re out there somewhere. We just need to find each other.


I used to keep a list of the guys I’d slept with on my phone. I don’t know why. Probably because of some belief that I should at least know their names.

I deleted it a few weeks ago as I thought I’d made my last addition.

So here we go. An attempt to remember the list. I can remember their faces and how I met them, I don’t think I can remember

Jack. Mark. Matt. Henry. Bremner. TD. Craig. Joss. Tim. Mat. Danny (& Kelly). Zak. Kane. Will.

Think that’s the list. Except the ex. Too fresh from the break up to include him.


My sex life took a tumble this year and I accepted it as part of that relationship but in all honesty it wasn’t normal. I think we had sex about 5 times in 9 months. We made up for it in other ways - oral mainly. But still. Sex was over very quickly so it was one position, 2 mins, done. Mainly me on the bottom - which he complained about, once me on the top - which hurt a bit actually. Partly we lacked sex because we were tired or stressed or lacked time and partly because it was just awkward and occasionally we’d try for trying’s sake but mostly we weren’t too interested. It also didn’t help that we’d rarely sync up - by the time I’d had enough foreplay, he would have lost his erection.

So I ended up losing my previously very high sex drive over time :/

Plus I keep hearing my Flatmate having sex and its beyond irritating because I haven’t had sex like that in a long while.

The saddest part about the whole break-up is that it has reaffirmed that I want to settle down. I think now I’m less upset about losing *him* and more upset about losing the future I saw and the happy ending I thought I’d finally have.

But it wasn’t meant to be. And there’s a better job than the ones I looked at waiting round the corner. And I’m hoping that the door that just opened is one to a paper. And I want the flat in February and I want to be really really selfish for a while.


I’m healing and moving on so much faster now I have closure, even if he was too much of a coward to give me the closure himself, instead asking a friend to pass on the messages and despite the fact that he could have still messaged or texted me.

I deserve someone who is in love with me, rather than with the idea of having a girlfriend and settling down.

I have plans for the future and life is good.