I’m going to stop pretending that I’m over him - I’m not.
I don’t know whether I’d get back with him or not because once bitten, twice shy, and there’s a whole heap of issues there. Plus I’ve lost some/most/all respect for him after what he did to me and the way he’s behaved. I also couldn’t trust him like I did.
I think this confusion stems from not having seen him. It’s led me to be unsure as to whether I miss him or whether I miss being with someone and all the parts of my life that we had together. I think it is him though. I generally don’t like being around people much but yet I couldn’t get enough time with him.
Friday. I’ve been invited bar hopping with our blockmates. I never get invited by our blockmates to anything, surprise 1. Surprise 2 - the invite is from a guy who is arguably better friends with him than with me; they teach undergrads together as part of their PhD programmes and the guy who has invited me is best mates with his office mate (who is also invited, along with a couple other guys from their dept. (not-so-much-a-)Surprise 3 - he’s invited.
Part of me doesn’t want to go - fears what could happen, especially with alcohol involved (and a lot of it). Will we talk, will we ignore each other? Will he get with someone else (not likely, he’s not the hit on random girls type but you never know)? Will we fight, cry, kiss, end up having sex? Will he break my heart further or come back to me?
Part of me does want to go - to see what will happen and to see if seeing him provides me with the clarity of thought I’m lacking now.
Part of me also wants to go for less honourable reasons… I’d want to look so incredibly hot, it made him feel sick - short skirt, full makeup, cleavage-baring halterneck top (the one he couldn’t keep his hands off me with). And to flirt and dance with other guys and at least look like I’m moving on (but not leave with any or kiss any in front of him, I’m not cheap). So he could see me dance again (he was attracted to me over it).
And because, even if he’s not there - I can still affect him the same way. Social media is powerful and the algorithms evil. As soon as group photos are tagged - they’ll turn up on his news feed.
An even shallower part of me wants to click “not attending” on the event, using the complex cake I’m making for Saturday and the event it’s for as my excuse. Just because that’d make it more likely he did.
And then, last minute, turn up, looking like that and just be like “yeahhhh cake’s ready and I haven’t had a night out in ages so decided on a whim to come” as though it isn’t obvious I’ve spent about 3 hours getting ready.
At this stage, I don’t know what I’ll do.