Being Single. Drinking Double. Seeing Triple.

I really want to go back to being the old me.

Obstinately different to what people expected of me, trusting, loving, hard working, healthy, intelligent and clean living (good maintenance of personal hygiene and living standards), if a little naive.

It’s all too easy to fall into the “hive mind” mentality… The mentality of “if they can, I can; if I can, you can; if we can, they can; and we all do”, if that makes sense.

I was never a massive drinker, didn’t smoke apart from very very rarely and above all - didn’t touch drugs.

I also made a mistake in losing my virginity at 15 and regretted it so bad, I swore I wouldn’t sleep with anybody till it meant something and I was ready to do so. And yet - I’ve broken that rule too. Between December 2010 and November 2011, I have slept with 7 people. 5 were total unknowns to me before that happened, 1 was someone I knew but not that well, the other is a friend in a way. We joke that I’m a “shark”, always “sharking” (to shark: verb, slang; meaning to hunt for fresh meat) and constantly getting with guys; it’s getting old.

My standards of living dropped too. Somewhere in all of this, I stopped giving a damn about my appearance and about how my room was kept and became dirty, messy and unkempt.

I’ve slept a lot as well. Mainly because sleeping means you don’t have to deal with the thoughts in your head or the feelings in your body nor do you have to take stock of what you are missing out on or what you should be doing.

I keep saying I’m depressed, maybe, truthfully, I’m just jealous. I feel that everybody has got what I don’t and I want it at whatever cost. But I used to be happy and there’s still no reason for me not to be. I just don’t get it.